Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
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Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP