I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Life cycle of cat
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.