“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
You Might Also Like
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.