They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
dam girl
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
idk what this dog had been going through but same
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
i made a craigslist ad !