Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it