PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY