I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system