Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
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Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Batman v Dracula
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.