Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.