[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.