Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
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*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
same bro
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote