My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.