when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
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Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.