People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I think I’ll stand
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
😅😅😅
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me