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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I am yelling
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.