it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot