my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
at ease…shoulder.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants