So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
pizza
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.