Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties