Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
You Might Also Like
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
scares
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies