I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
gm
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]