I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home