blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My birthstone is kidney
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”