Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?