God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.