8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
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smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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