*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My wedding will be open casket.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”