I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Seems legit
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know