I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators