I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.