Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You Might Also Like
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he鈥檚 okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
馃槀馃挴
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
People are waiting for flying cars and I鈥檓 just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
#merica
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What鈥檚 not to like?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I鈥檓 sure.
Me: You鈥檙e cranky.
Wife: I鈥檓 not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you鈥檙e in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes