Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
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How actors in movies eat their food
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Good advice.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then