Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?