“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together