Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Previously On Persistence 😎
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
How animals would run if they were human
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!