My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
This one’s “Alex”.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?