I came this close!!!!
You Might Also Like
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My circle of trust is a meatball
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
TODAY
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin