Care for your back
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
The biggest mystery of our time
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”