“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
You Might Also Like
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.