Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
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Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
When someone trying to leave me
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Geez man, take it easy.