society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I was just discussing this with my cat
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Well, that didn’t work.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
When you kidnap a writer.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em