Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Watermelon Boss!
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.