A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
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To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
how to exercise your calf muscles
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car