they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.