Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
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So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.