I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
When news reporters do sports stories
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it