I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
describing stardew valley
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Damn what did I do next
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.