An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol