My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.