Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
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In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn